Happy New Year Y'all!!!
The Americans With No Abilities Act
President Barack Obama and the
Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide
new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is
being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of
Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive
necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,"
said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow
People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this
legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to
a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what
they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference,
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed
to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing
policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the
state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an
excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but
little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose
and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises
and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the
most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax
breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of
Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit
to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless
worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No
Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to
discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory
interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that
relate to this job?"
"As a non-abled person, I can 't be
expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said
Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM
plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty,
lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I値l
finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and
millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the
end of the tunnel.
Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator
with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials
enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is
our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen,
regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up
in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
