With the second instalment of the Harry Potter series
set to arrive in theatres, Post Mortem dispatched correspondent Massimo
Commanducci to chat with J.K. Rowling, author of the Potter novels. He
files this report from her palatial Scottish estate ...
- - -
J.K. Rowling was not at all like I had expected she'd
be: She was warm, she was funny and she readily admitted she is an
avowed Satanist! "It's true," she told me. "I worship the
Devil, Beelzebub, Satan, Lucifer -- in all his unholy forms. And I owe
all my success, all my glory, all my power, to my sweet, beautiful
Munching on a cucumber sandwich finger, Rowling
explained that her devotion to the Prince of Darkness was forged when
she was a single mother on welfare.
Rowling -- or, as she shall henceforth be referred to
and credited as, Mrs. J. K. Satan -- said that as she sat in a coffee
shop one grey day, wondering what to do with her empty, aimless life, it
hit her: "I'll give myself, body and soul, to the Dark Master. And
in return, he will give me absurd wealth and power over the weak and
pitiful of the world. And he did!"
Now, as everyone knows, critics of the Harry Potter
series of books and films have long argued that the dark sorcery and
non-Christian values have a corrupting influence on young people, who
have displayed an atypical interest in reading since the series was
launched. Duh, Mrs. Satan told me. "Well, of course the books are
designed to corrupt young minds," she declared, as her eyes became
like the deepest night and her voice was embellished with a sinister
echo. "That's what Lucifer demands of us -- all of us!"
As the ensuing tornado of fire receded, Mrs. Satan was
asked why she had denied such charges in the past. The author threw her
head back, laughed maniacally, gently stroked her hellcat, then calmly
explained: "Because my master's power is only now at its zenith.
Only now can I reveal the true purpose of my work.
"Only with the release of Harry Potter and the
Chamber of Secrets, due in North American theatres on Nov. 15, is it too
late for all you impotent mortals to do anything to stop it!"
Rowling then graciously offered me tea and shortbread
cookies and wearily discussed the progress of the fifth Potter novel,
which is taking so long "because my sweet, beautiful Lucifer
suddenly fancies himself an editor, and every night he sends up some
deformed minion with a bunch of notes like, 'Are you sure Ron Weasely
would say that?' and 'I'm thinking subplot with a love interest here!' I
mean, do I tell him how to harvest souls?"