insiders today report what is an apparent "testing the water" move by
the White House to suggest President Barack Obama as a possible
replacement for retiring Pope Benedict XVI.
Father Guido Sarducci, unofficial
Vatican spokesman, confirmed that a "highly placed person" in the
administration had floated the idea of naming Obama the Vicar of Christ
on Earth when Pope Benedict steps down at the end of the month.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney
was quick to state that any talk of the President leaving his current
office to assume the duties of the supreme pontiff was irresponsible.
"We are quite sure that the President would be able to fulfill the
duties of both roles simultaneously," Carney reassured reporters.
He admitted that, like assuming the
mantle of the presidency, becoming pope would entail a step down for the
Lightbringer, but in his well-documented humility the President would be
willing to do so to set the Church straight on a number of vital issues.
"Internally, the Church needs a
thorough reorganization, starting with assigning union representation
for each diocese, and also this staunch resistance to the human right of
abortion on demand has obviously got to stop," Carney said.
Furthermore, Carney pointed out the
additional advantages of having a Pope Hussein at the helm of the
"Imagine the ecumenical possibilities
in the Middle East," the Press Secretary suggested. "This could be the
moment when the Earth begins to heal itself, when the waters start to
recede in the relationship between Islam and Christianity."
Carney invited reporters to consider
how a heartfelt apology to the Arab World for the Crusades could open up
an entirely new era of interfaith cooperation. While this would of
course "require all lands stolen from the Caliphate by Christendom be
returned to the Dar-al-Islam," Carney reminded reporters that the Muslim
call to prayer at sunset was one of the sweetest sounds on Earth and
that he was sure the Spaniards would welcome back sharia law.
Carney closed the briefing with an
emphasis on the historic opportunity this presented to the College of
Cardinals. "Imagine, if you will, not only the first African-American
pope, but indeed the first non-Catholic pope. I only hope the College of
Cardinals can overcome their racism and religious bigotry to make the